My lungs are so numb from Holding Back

You know when you sit on the other end of an unreplied text message, just waiting, hoping that whatever they have to say is worth all the staring at your cell phone you've done? I hate that feeling. What I Hate more is when the wait doesn't end, or when it does, you are left completely unsatisfied and feeling more alone than you ever thought possible. At this point, you thought you were strong, you thought things were fine, you thought you were better than this moment, but alas your legs give out from underneath you and you are left again broken and criss-crossing your fingers for whatever is and whenever is the next golden opportunity. I am tired with that feeling. My heart hurts. My mind is racing. I can't focus on what is important, what I know is more important than this. What is the story with our feelings? Why can't we just forget this all, move on? I would love more than anything to just forget what I feel, how I've felt, and do what is now, what matters, what is happening and what is pertinent to my very being. But I struggle against that at all times. And no amount of analysis or mulling over with friends ever makes this any easier. Without a doubt I have some of the wisest friends a female could ask for, but words do not easily fix hurt. Unfortunately time, of which there is either always too much or never enough, is the only solution. Allow it to work its magic. It's inconceivable almost that something so intangible is capable of the cure. What we can be grateful for, however, is that there is a passage of time, that we are not suspended within it. Eventually, we too will move on, feelings will grow, change, or completely disappear. At this moment, I want some feelings to say, some feelinds to disappear, and some feelings to return to me. But I never get what I want, or what I think I need. God is much smarter than myself, and I become selfish then and wish to know His plans. I never will, nor should I ever expect to be able to predict them.

It is then that I ask, am I living out my intended purpose on this earth? There is nothing more that I want than to be serving the Lord to my fullest extent possible, blessing others with my gifts and lending myself cheerfully in any way that I can. I want to fulfill the need cut out for me in this world. Am I on the right track? Is my focus off center? Where should it be? I need to ask Him, I am asking, and it's all I've ever wanted to know. As I've been told before, He knows my heart, I just need to be willing. I am trying to be willing. How much greater can this willingness be? What must I do? What words should I say or what in my heart should change? I want answers. I need answers. And I need time to expedite itself. Although I am thoroughly enjoying my new job, it does not occupy all the free time I have for my mind to idle, wander, and become treacherous to itself. I put my identity in my labor, and in what I love. For a time, my identity is only half fulfilled.

"Do you need to love?"

Say Goodnight in a Breath

So many good things coming up!! I wouldn't say I'm impatient over it because I have plenty to keep me busy in the mean time, but still. Just the idea that these things are happening. Unfortunately I don't get paid for like two more weeks so who knows what I'm going to do between now and then? I have like $40 and with plans to visit Pita Pit more often I don't know how well I'll fare ha..

I haven't had much time for that care package I keep talking about, but I can't wait to work on it :) hopefully I'll be able to do that this weekend. I need to get up in like 5 hours what am I doing!?! Ugh. I think I slept for a little while tonight, but I'm not sure. I went to sleep when the news came on (10PM?) and woke up intermittently throughout episodes of Seinfeld and finally got up to take a shower at about midnight... but for some reason didn't get in the shower until one. WTF.

Visiting the doctor on Monday so they can cut my cast off THANK GOD. I am really praying that it has healed (they said if the bone has made any progress I can probably have my boot back, which would be GREAT). Depending on crutches sucks pretty bad. People have to open doors for me and stuff, I hate always having to ask people to carry my stuff. But the cast is a pretty good conversation piece as I found out this week ;)

Tomorrow I am hanging out with Lauren again I think!? She is awesome. We are going to IKEA for.. something. She needs something for her apartment, which is so cute by the way. Definitely made me want to move out of my house and not move into PV East.

Also, BIG NEWS: AMERICAN IDOL AUDITIONS ARE GOING TO BE HELD IN GLENDALE THIS YEAR!!! I am so excited :) This is better than Arizona Idol because instead of auditioning for ONE spot, if I get the chance to audition I will be among like 30,000 people! Is that how many they choose from that location? I don't remember. But they DID say Simon, Paula and Randy WILL be in Glendale for the auditions :DD Stoked!

Time for bed, the repeat of the 9 o'clock news is on lol

Simple Discourse

I wish people would stop asking about him.



This has been a ridiculously emotional summer. I keep realizing that I only have two more semesters of under grad and keep putting GREs, grad school application and CA business out of my head to consider the present. I have no reason NOT to focus on the future, except what you know and my work situation (mostly just me worrying about when my first paycheck is coming because I have no freaking clue). And the closer it gets to fall semester, the more excited I am because of how busy I will be. I need that again. I am at my best at my busiest. I need to feel needed and I need to be in my niche. I feel useless right now, like out of my element. It's not good.

The former owner of the company I work for now told me today that I look too young to be a senior in college?? I stopped getting that a long time ago, how is it that all of a sudden I look 12 again haha. I even wear better makeup now! And it's obviously not helping haha.

I need to go to Pita Pit more often. I went there for lunch yesterday and really cool/cute guy working there and I chatted it up about breaking bones (he broke one of his feet too). He told me to come back so I'll probably eat there tomorrow or Thursday (hopefully with Lauren?).

And, so far, I have made (in two days) what it would take me like a week to make at Black Angus. Lame haha

I go back to the doctor on Monday. Please pray for good news about my foot.

12

I am a little annoyed when people ask me about my status when I'm trying to be enigmatic. I know what it means, and for me to have to explain it would defeat the purpose of me writing it the way I have in the first place. Yes?

I really want to start writing songs again because I feel like a lot of the feelings I have would be better addressed through music. I have loved just playing chords lately, looking up songs that I have long forgotten about since their popularity peaked and their songs disappeared (remember Westlife, Sarah McLachlan, Green Day?).



This morning me and Breck stayed up till 5:30 playing video games after a couple hours at Old Chicago for his birthday. It was pleasant. I have tried to get rid of the negative experiences I had with alcohol and replace them with positive ones so I won't hate it so much. It's just always all around, and I got to a point where it made me uncomfortable. And once I turned 21 I was able to fix that. So things are nice and balanced, I'm glad for that.

In high school it was that party where I was the only one sober and everyone was drunk and I felt so alone. Like I was the only one not doing it. Well, I waited it out without any problems, and now that I am 21 I have good friends with whom I can engage in social activities where delicious drinks are involved without getting out of control. Not a lot of people understand where I am even coming from on this idea, like why do you drink if you don't get drunk, and other weird things like that. But the way I see it is... drinks are a part of the fun, not THE fun. The FUN is the people around you and the activities you engage in. Drink responsibly (and you can still be socially accepted, I promise).

My only qualm with alcohol is how expensive it is. I would think that could be enough to keep people from consuming it all the time but that's not the case.


Big ups to God for another cool day, good times with good friends, and a place to rest my head when it's time for sleep. We are luckier than we know.

11

Right now I am very thankful that God provides. Unfortunately sometimes I forget that when everybody else fails me, He has always got my back. I am definitely blessed. Things seemed so bleak yesterday, and just because of this one thing, I feel like a giant burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

So, good things:
+ Got offered the job with Lewis Aerospace
+ Got a check that was more than I expected from the BA
+ Phone call from Bre! (who will be here tomorrow, I am stoked!
+ Conference call (haha) with Breck to discuss his 21st birthday madness coming up tomorrow and Thursday (I am going to take him out for Wednesday becoming Thursday (midnight) so he can be 21 or whatever it is that we do?)
+ Played a TON of Tony Hawk P8 (and I mean a ton) in the last couple days and dominated

And at this point it's not even worth it mentioning the negative so I'll just leave that out.

11

I can't sleep right now... I should try because I have that job interview in 7 hours and I need to be in the car in 5 hours, probably up in 4 hours... but I keep late hours often lately, and I'm up thinking about a lot of things. Life, you know? Mostly I'm thinking about what this girl said to me in my LiveJournal. She basically told me she doesn't reciprocate a desire to hang out or call me because "our lifestyles are too different."

I really don't know her at all, I guess, because I really respected her and learned a lot from the time we spent together before this nonsense, so now what I know is what I read in an online blog, and I don't think that's how friendships should be. But also, she commented on how although she enjoys running into me on campus randomly... blablah, she basically said she doesn't want to be friends with me. The type of friends, I guess, that develop a bond and share each other's lives. That's fine, but I don't think I've ever been rejected by someone who I thought was my friend? Or at least stated it that bluntly before, that we are nothing more than "acquaintances." Was I just broken up with? Haha. Well at least I can laugh about it now because at the time I was really hurt by it. And I know this is going to sound conceited, but I thought I was the kind of person everybody likes to be friends with? I am pretty easy to get along with, I try to take care of all my friends; I will do anything you ask me to do (within reason). I guess I'm just having a hard time dealing with the fact that someone I've "been friends with" for like 4 years has been feigning interest in my life. That's rough.

I took a shower tonight and my cast is all types of soggy on the bottom. She said it wasn't waterproof (obvious) so I put a trash bag around it, taped that baby up nice and tight, and started my shower. Not even 2 minutes into the shower, I feel wetness in my heel. Oh, good. There is a pinhole in the bag. So I had to balance on one foot for the remainder of the shower. I really hate this.

I hope I get that job tomorrow. I can't play video games all summer long, I won't make money that way. Although for a girl I am good enough at Tony Hawk that they should pay me to play it, that would own.

10

Please be praying for me, I have a job interview in the morning and I really, really need this job. I have absolutely no money, and I know God will provide but it's so scary right now to be this broke. Breaking my foot has really screwed things up for me in every aspect of my life. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. And just in case for some reason this doesn't work out, if any of you know of anyone looking for temporary work (like maybe babysitting or house sitting or pet sitting... something involving "sitting" haha) please let me know. I can't get paid to play video games and watch TV all day (which is pretty much what I've been doing).

Thanks :)

9

I made a survey (shown below). I chose this survey because of something a friend said to me about this subject, and I just wanted to see what everyone else thought about it. Please take it, and feel free to comment here, either anonymously or signed in, to elaborate on why you voted as you did.


Thanks, I'm looking forward to reading what you have to say :)

8

I keep having these dreams that are so much better than reality. Make them stop!

7

I don't want to pay $4/gallon more than anyone else does. But people, really. You have to buy gas. You need it. I need it... and it's not doing anyone any good to sit around and complain about it. This may make the summer thoroughly deplorable, foiling any and all of our plans to drive out of state (or even in state) for vacation; in most cases it looks like it is cheaper to fly to California than to drive there. That definitely sucks.

The other night... Wednesday... I filled up my gas tank, and it cost me $43.50. I had given the cashier $50 and I only got $6.50 change!!!? Not cool. So what did I do? I coasted to Nielsen's next door (without stepping on the gas at all) and afterwards, upon pulling into my neighborhood, coasted home (again without stepping on the gas). Did it take a little longer? Yes. Did I save gas? You betcha. My other favorite gas saving adventure is the one where I took the bus to work yesterday. That's right. Did I save gas?? OH YEA. I mean granted it is kind of inconvenient for the trip to work that usually takes me 8 minutes to take 20 minutes, but I didn't have to drive, didn't have to pay attention to the road, etc... It was pretty good. The trip home was something different. The bus was crowded and there were stinky people on it (undoubtedly the result of having waited for the bus when it's 160 degrees outside). And I probably smelled like steak haha so whatever.

The trip home, although I didn't pay much attention to my clock (because with the bus, it's like, you will get there eventually; not quickly, but at some point, you will be home), but... I am approximating that the trip home took about half an hour. This can be attributed to all the stops made between Alma School and Gilbert on Southern, and that's not counting the ten minutes it took me to walk home from the bus stop. I also had to jaywalk to get across the street into my neighborhood. I'm not a big fan of that, but when I'm wearing all black and it's that hot outside, you can bet that I'm going to take all the shortcuts I can think of.

So I'm proud of myself for making an effort to conserve the 12 gallons of gas that are in my car, and attempting to make them last AT LEAST a week, if not more. When I lived at ASU, I was only filling up my car about every month. Those were the days!

I just remembered that I have to find out how soon the offer for priority parking by PV East expires, so I'm going to do that now. Today I hope to swim and clean some more of my room I guess? I don't like being off work, but this will give me more time to study for the GRE! Which is going famously by the way. I'm really liking the book that I'm studying and it's not feeling overwhelming (yet). The verbal section, though, I can already tell is going to dominate me.

6

Briefly, I found out the other day that I almost applied to the wrong graduate program. That's not a small problem! haha.. This happened unofficially the other day when I was talking to Lindsey and looking at the graduate program she's applying to. She said she was applying through the MLF School of Education, and I thought "But you want to do counseling? That sounds a lot like what I want to do and I thought I was going to be able to do that by getting into the psychology program?"

So I look it up, and I still wasn't understanding why the masters/PhD program (because ASU doesn't offer a terminal masters) doesn't talk about counseling. All it talks about is research. So I emailed the psych advisers last week, got an email today and they informed me that the ASU psych program is a research-based program, that if I want to do something with counseling, I should apply to education psychology (which is what Lindsey is doing). So I was basically about to apply to a doctorate program that would have gotten me no where. That would have SUCKED. But luckily, I am on the right track, I don't have to take the subject GRE, and I think I actually have things finally figured out :) For the most part at least. There are obviously a lot of things I don't have figured out yet, but this was really weighing me down and I feel like a great weight has been lifted now that the uncertainty about grad school has disappeared.

Go Sun Devils!!!

5

Tonight was boring. I have myself to blame for that.

Tomorrow: put together that IKEA _______
(you could call it an entertainment center,
but it's more of a glorified spice rack for giants).
Unfinished wood. It looks like somebody built this thing out of wood pallates.
But can I find anything else...?? No. Because apparently having a tube TV is out of style.



I'm gonna do work on that, son! And then probably.. nothing else.
Watch Rob & Big? haha :)
What a productive summer this has been.

/sarcasm