We'll be together in the morning.

Listening to a little Format. I don't care so much for their new(er) stuff, but they've broken up by now so I guess I won't have to worry about it ha ha..

I began studying 45 minutes ago for a test I have in 7 hours. Cool. So if you have any questions about procrastination, its pros/cons, benefits/detriments, please email me. Wow. I guess I'm a little disappointed in myself, but this is pretty much a throw away test. I'll be really glad when I get this over with. Then I can sleep in the morning after it's over; tomorrow is also my last day of REL 375 which is pretty exciting. And it will be an easy day: course evaluation, discussion about our received knowledge from the class. Then I have to take a make-up quiz for my AST lab, that should be a good time. Our T.A. is really funny, he looks like a Who. You know... from Who-ville.

By the way. There's a line from a song that I have been dying to put somewhere:
"If this isn't love, this is the closest I've ever been. Do you think we have a chance?"

Ugh, I love Anberlin :)

Anyway, I am basically just putting this studying off so I'm going to go. I'm trying to hold unattainable goals for myself this evening so I will push myself harder to get finished. I don't want to be awake all night until the test, but I do have a Full Throttle here next to me in case I need that. I've been sipping on it, but it's not doing a whole lot.


Just another week, and then what?

Gosh..
the past few days have been awesome;
I am so grateful for them :)

Weird dreams

I had a dream the other night that I found out Mariah Carey had cancer, and the next thing I found out in the dream was that she died. It was kind of unsettling.

Essential knowledge

Women are like waves, and men are like rubber bands.

And I don't know, and I can't guess if we're gonna be ok but now, my last wish is that you'll do this with me

Why is it that when you stop coming to church, people who are supposed to be your friends, your fellow followers of Christ, your community members, they all automatically assume that you've fallen off the deep end? I haven't had a falling out with God, but I am slowly beginning to understand why people lose faith in Him!

If people in the body of believers can't even accept and support your decisions, although they may be converse to what they want you to do, how are they supposed to believe in a God that will allow this kind of behavior? Obviously He is not controlling their actions and thought all the time (although if He were I sometimes wonder what kind of world this would be), so people's thoughts, words and actions should not be dealt with angrily and blamed on God. This is why people leave "church." They leave the church building, and that means they are leaving capital C Church, as in the body of Christ? I would disagree. I am a firm believer in the importance of community and worship alongside fellow believers, but I am not a believer in forced involvement with a community that has a lot of work to do itself before considering itself paramount among others. I never thought I would be saying this, that these words would be coming from my fingers onto this keyboard, but the Titanic sank and everyone said that was an impossible event, yeah?

Dually, not only am I perturbed by the judgmentalism being engaged in this community, but also the distrust of supposed friends. Listen to me, and listen good: I am the same female I was when I left Mesa. I uphold the same standards, and although my perspectives on some issues have been tailored and shifted a bit, nothing important about me has changed. What do I mean by a shift and tailor of perspectives? It's like this: when you finally leave the Mesa bubble, you see things differently, both politically and religiously (if I should even use that term). And no, I haven't become a left-wing Atheist. If anything, I've become more Conservative and more appreciative of God in this environment. My opinion of underage drinking and drunkenness is still that it's no good, and yes I've drank (oh, no!) but no more than I drank before coming to ASU (a margarita with lunch or dinner).

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, before you stick some label on me because I go to ASU and not Biola, or Pepperdine, or one of those other Christian universities (which have their fair share of misbehaved individuals, I can assure you), you should try getting together with me for lunch or Starbucks and find out what I've been doing with my life. Have I been out evangelizing to all the "lost souls" at ASU? No. Have I started a Bible Study that I hold week in and out? No. Do I still go to church on Saturday night and Bible Study, either here at ASU or back in Mesa? No. I guess all of that makes me some kind of rogue Christian.

You know, before I came to ASU, I started to feel... I don't know, guilty? Or... shameful? That I wouldn't be in attendance as much at church anymore. And now... I don't particularly care for it. All the above things I have mentioned are things I've been silently sitting by and enduring in the last couple of years, while upper pastoral figures claim new direction and that God is "in" all these things that are trying to come up off the ground. What I've seen good in, is the Children's Ministry, the homeless outreach ministry, the women's ministry, and that's about it. Our senior pastor is great. They have a good staff on their hands. But nothing has changed. I can't sit in my seat anymore and pretend like I feel change. And I can't keep coming and pushing away guilt for the fact that I haven't brought anybody to church to throw God in their face.

I don't know. It's just all been really disheartening, and I think I'm looking for a new church.


In other news... I got a 70% on my personality theory test. Better than all my other tests, but not by much. The problem with this guy's tests is that almost all of the questions have the options "all of the above" and "none of the above" or a variation of the two. And it's frustrating because you know, there are those questions where it could DEFINITELY be all of the above, or it could DEFINITELY only be C. The class average is a 69% and it's probably a little bit better than that now, but not by much. I have to do well in this class. It's for my major, I can't get Cs! Bs would be great! And being on the Dean's List again wouldn't hurt either...

By the way, only a few weeks left :\

A-mae-zing

Wow! What an incredible show Mae and Between the Trees put on last night! I am blown away. That may be the best show Mae has ever put on, and I've seen them like 6 times. Dave was definitely giving it his all.

Let's see, highlights of the night... well, I met Mae again, such cool guys. And this time I got to meet their drummer Jacob who is terribly nice as well as appreciative of fan support. They all signed my shirt (except Josiah because he was loading their equipment back up while Dave, Zach and Jake did the acoustic set, and Robert finished up the merch) and my shirt is awesome because it says Mae is for lovers! (I finally have a "Mae is for lovers" t-shirt, I am stoked). And it's yellow, we all know how much I love colors that stand out much brighter than they rightfully should.

Oh, and before all that we met this adorable guy from Between the Trees, their band was great and the guys were all really nice. Plus, he said I had nice breath, and that's always good because you know how long you are at a show without having account of how your breath smells. And you know something else, that picture hug felt good but it sure makes my body look awkward! haha

Anyway, I need to get out of the desk, I'm still sitting here at McClintock and I was done 20 minutes ago. Supposedly Alex and I are going to Hassy for breakfast but we'll see if he's even awake yet. I am exhausted. I was thinking I would like to swim today after we eat but I was pretty much up until 3 this morning. Ah, yeah. That was a good time. Not really. Last night was good until.. yeah. I don't really need to elaborate. But regardless of night-ending drama, the Mae show was incredible, probably one of the best if not the best night of my life, and I am content to just get up from this desk now and go get some breakfast in me haha. Good morning, all.

Just another month, I guess.

The end of the year is coming up so fast. I already said it, but I am going to get blindsided, I just know it. I gotta get ready for it.


Alex and I were talking last week at the pool and I have been thinking more and more about getting my nose pierced. Does anyone think that would be cool, or what? I've been thinking about it for a while now. Like a couple years. And I think I would still like it. Just a little silver stud or a real tiny diamond. Like REALLY tiny. Because my nose is very small :) Maybe I can find a picture?

Yeah there it is. Maybe even smaller than that. Plus it doesn't look that good on her nose because it's kind of pointy and her nostrils are like... too long or something lol. Anyway, good or bad idea? I am still looking into exactly how much it would cost, and apparently I need to get it done at Club Tattoo because Yoshi said so!

I finally got around to blocking off the FREEZING a/c vent in my room so it should be nice and hot when I get back up there haha. It doesn't warm up at ALL even if I leave the windows open with that hot air blowing in there all day, wtf? So I covered it up with a poster I painted that just says "love." I like it. Ugh and I really wanted to go swimming today, it felt like a great day to do that... I really need to do my Elvis homework (test tomorrow at 10AM through Thursday 2PM) by the way but I'm getting so tired I'll probably do it tomorrow after religion. I still don't feel very good about the test I took for it on Monday.

I don't know if I already mentioned it but I applied to be a research assistant for my learning and motivation professor next semester. She accepted me and Yoshi's applications almost immediately. Basically all we had to do was talk to her for like 20 minutes. She loves us. I know she loves me already because I showed her that video of The Office that she showed in class. Click here (YouTube) and go to about 3:10, it's the bit about Jim conditioning Dwight with the mint and the Windows sound haha..

And my desk shift is about over. 7 minutes. I am going to bed :D

Do you need to love?

I don't know what to do with all this! I was not expecting to feel like this, I didn't even see it coming. The semester started and my mindset was completely different. Now I'm in it and I am realizing that it totally blindsided me this time. How was I not prepared for this??

Today was better than yesterday. It helps to talk to people who are supportive of the feelings you are having, rather than trying to change the way you're feeling or basically telling you that you're just going through a phase. And I'm still trying to figure out this whole God thing too. I think I've found my church home in the body of students at ASU. I am more comfortable than I was a couple weeks ago. This is kind of nice!

By the way, could I BE any more cryptic lol