My lungs are so numb from Holding Back

You know when you sit on the other end of an unreplied text message, just waiting, hoping that whatever they have to say is worth all the staring at your cell phone you've done? I hate that feeling. What I Hate more is when the wait doesn't end, or when it does, you are left completely unsatisfied and feeling more alone than you ever thought possible. At this point, you thought you were strong, you thought things were fine, you thought you were better than this moment, but alas your legs give out from underneath you and you are left again broken and criss-crossing your fingers for whatever is and whenever is the next golden opportunity. I am tired with that feeling. My heart hurts. My mind is racing. I can't focus on what is important, what I know is more important than this. What is the story with our feelings? Why can't we just forget this all, move on? I would love more than anything to just forget what I feel, how I've felt, and do what is now, what matters, what is happening and what is pertinent to my very being. But I struggle against that at all times. And no amount of analysis or mulling over with friends ever makes this any easier. Without a doubt I have some of the wisest friends a female could ask for, but words do not easily fix hurt. Unfortunately time, of which there is either always too much or never enough, is the only solution. Allow it to work its magic. It's inconceivable almost that something so intangible is capable of the cure. What we can be grateful for, however, is that there is a passage of time, that we are not suspended within it. Eventually, we too will move on, feelings will grow, change, or completely disappear. At this moment, I want some feelings to say, some feelinds to disappear, and some feelings to return to me. But I never get what I want, or what I think I need. God is much smarter than myself, and I become selfish then and wish to know His plans. I never will, nor should I ever expect to be able to predict them.

It is then that I ask, am I living out my intended purpose on this earth? There is nothing more that I want than to be serving the Lord to my fullest extent possible, blessing others with my gifts and lending myself cheerfully in any way that I can. I want to fulfill the need cut out for me in this world. Am I on the right track? Is my focus off center? Where should it be? I need to ask Him, I am asking, and it's all I've ever wanted to know. As I've been told before, He knows my heart, I just need to be willing. I am trying to be willing. How much greater can this willingness be? What must I do? What words should I say or what in my heart should change? I want answers. I need answers. And I need time to expedite itself. Although I am thoroughly enjoying my new job, it does not occupy all the free time I have for my mind to idle, wander, and become treacherous to itself. I put my identity in my labor, and in what I love. For a time, my identity is only half fulfilled.

"Do you need to love?"