And I don't know, and I can't guess if we're gonna be ok but now, my last wish is that you'll do this with me

Why is it that when you stop coming to church, people who are supposed to be your friends, your fellow followers of Christ, your community members, they all automatically assume that you've fallen off the deep end? I haven't had a falling out with God, but I am slowly beginning to understand why people lose faith in Him!

If people in the body of believers can't even accept and support your decisions, although they may be converse to what they want you to do, how are they supposed to believe in a God that will allow this kind of behavior? Obviously He is not controlling their actions and thought all the time (although if He were I sometimes wonder what kind of world this would be), so people's thoughts, words and actions should not be dealt with angrily and blamed on God. This is why people leave "church." They leave the church building, and that means they are leaving capital C Church, as in the body of Christ? I would disagree. I am a firm believer in the importance of community and worship alongside fellow believers, but I am not a believer in forced involvement with a community that has a lot of work to do itself before considering itself paramount among others. I never thought I would be saying this, that these words would be coming from my fingers onto this keyboard, but the Titanic sank and everyone said that was an impossible event, yeah?

Dually, not only am I perturbed by the judgmentalism being engaged in this community, but also the distrust of supposed friends. Listen to me, and listen good: I am the same female I was when I left Mesa. I uphold the same standards, and although my perspectives on some issues have been tailored and shifted a bit, nothing important about me has changed. What do I mean by a shift and tailor of perspectives? It's like this: when you finally leave the Mesa bubble, you see things differently, both politically and religiously (if I should even use that term). And no, I haven't become a left-wing Atheist. If anything, I've become more Conservative and more appreciative of God in this environment. My opinion of underage drinking and drunkenness is still that it's no good, and yes I've drank (oh, no!) but no more than I drank before coming to ASU (a margarita with lunch or dinner).

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, before you stick some label on me because I go to ASU and not Biola, or Pepperdine, or one of those other Christian universities (which have their fair share of misbehaved individuals, I can assure you), you should try getting together with me for lunch or Starbucks and find out what I've been doing with my life. Have I been out evangelizing to all the "lost souls" at ASU? No. Have I started a Bible Study that I hold week in and out? No. Do I still go to church on Saturday night and Bible Study, either here at ASU or back in Mesa? No. I guess all of that makes me some kind of rogue Christian.

You know, before I came to ASU, I started to feel... I don't know, guilty? Or... shameful? That I wouldn't be in attendance as much at church anymore. And now... I don't particularly care for it. All the above things I have mentioned are things I've been silently sitting by and enduring in the last couple of years, while upper pastoral figures claim new direction and that God is "in" all these things that are trying to come up off the ground. What I've seen good in, is the Children's Ministry, the homeless outreach ministry, the women's ministry, and that's about it. Our senior pastor is great. They have a good staff on their hands. But nothing has changed. I can't sit in my seat anymore and pretend like I feel change. And I can't keep coming and pushing away guilt for the fact that I haven't brought anybody to church to throw God in their face.

I don't know. It's just all been really disheartening, and I think I'm looking for a new church.


In other news... I got a 70% on my personality theory test. Better than all my other tests, but not by much. The problem with this guy's tests is that almost all of the questions have the options "all of the above" and "none of the above" or a variation of the two. And it's frustrating because you know, there are those questions where it could DEFINITELY be all of the above, or it could DEFINITELY only be C. The class average is a 69% and it's probably a little bit better than that now, but not by much. I have to do well in this class. It's for my major, I can't get Cs! Bs would be great! And being on the Dean's List again wouldn't hurt either...

By the way, only a few weeks left :\