My lungs are so numb from Holding Back

You know when you sit on the other end of an unreplied text message, just waiting, hoping that whatever they have to say is worth all the staring at your cell phone you've done? I hate that feeling. What I Hate more is when the wait doesn't end, or when it does, you are left completely unsatisfied and feeling more alone than you ever thought possible. At this point, you thought you were strong, you thought things were fine, you thought you were better than this moment, but alas your legs give out from underneath you and you are left again broken and criss-crossing your fingers for whatever is and whenever is the next golden opportunity. I am tired with that feeling. My heart hurts. My mind is racing. I can't focus on what is important, what I know is more important than this. What is the story with our feelings? Why can't we just forget this all, move on? I would love more than anything to just forget what I feel, how I've felt, and do what is now, what matters, what is happening and what is pertinent to my very being. But I struggle against that at all times. And no amount of analysis or mulling over with friends ever makes this any easier. Without a doubt I have some of the wisest friends a female could ask for, but words do not easily fix hurt. Unfortunately time, of which there is either always too much or never enough, is the only solution. Allow it to work its magic. It's inconceivable almost that something so intangible is capable of the cure. What we can be grateful for, however, is that there is a passage of time, that we are not suspended within it. Eventually, we too will move on, feelings will grow, change, or completely disappear. At this moment, I want some feelings to say, some feelinds to disappear, and some feelings to return to me. But I never get what I want, or what I think I need. God is much smarter than myself, and I become selfish then and wish to know His plans. I never will, nor should I ever expect to be able to predict them.

It is then that I ask, am I living out my intended purpose on this earth? There is nothing more that I want than to be serving the Lord to my fullest extent possible, blessing others with my gifts and lending myself cheerfully in any way that I can. I want to fulfill the need cut out for me in this world. Am I on the right track? Is my focus off center? Where should it be? I need to ask Him, I am asking, and it's all I've ever wanted to know. As I've been told before, He knows my heart, I just need to be willing. I am trying to be willing. How much greater can this willingness be? What must I do? What words should I say or what in my heart should change? I want answers. I need answers. And I need time to expedite itself. Although I am thoroughly enjoying my new job, it does not occupy all the free time I have for my mind to idle, wander, and become treacherous to itself. I put my identity in my labor, and in what I love. For a time, my identity is only half fulfilled.

"Do you need to love?"

Say Goodnight in a Breath

So many good things coming up!! I wouldn't say I'm impatient over it because I have plenty to keep me busy in the mean time, but still. Just the idea that these things are happening. Unfortunately I don't get paid for like two more weeks so who knows what I'm going to do between now and then? I have like $40 and with plans to visit Pita Pit more often I don't know how well I'll fare ha..

I haven't had much time for that care package I keep talking about, but I can't wait to work on it :) hopefully I'll be able to do that this weekend. I need to get up in like 5 hours what am I doing!?! Ugh. I think I slept for a little while tonight, but I'm not sure. I went to sleep when the news came on (10PM?) and woke up intermittently throughout episodes of Seinfeld and finally got up to take a shower at about midnight... but for some reason didn't get in the shower until one. WTF.

Visiting the doctor on Monday so they can cut my cast off THANK GOD. I am really praying that it has healed (they said if the bone has made any progress I can probably have my boot back, which would be GREAT). Depending on crutches sucks pretty bad. People have to open doors for me and stuff, I hate always having to ask people to carry my stuff. But the cast is a pretty good conversation piece as I found out this week ;)

Tomorrow I am hanging out with Lauren again I think!? She is awesome. We are going to IKEA for.. something. She needs something for her apartment, which is so cute by the way. Definitely made me want to move out of my house and not move into PV East.

Also, BIG NEWS: AMERICAN IDOL AUDITIONS ARE GOING TO BE HELD IN GLENDALE THIS YEAR!!! I am so excited :) This is better than Arizona Idol because instead of auditioning for ONE spot, if I get the chance to audition I will be among like 30,000 people! Is that how many they choose from that location? I don't remember. But they DID say Simon, Paula and Randy WILL be in Glendale for the auditions :DD Stoked!

Time for bed, the repeat of the 9 o'clock news is on lol

Simple Discourse

I wish people would stop asking about him.



This has been a ridiculously emotional summer. I keep realizing that I only have two more semesters of under grad and keep putting GREs, grad school application and CA business out of my head to consider the present. I have no reason NOT to focus on the future, except what you know and my work situation (mostly just me worrying about when my first paycheck is coming because I have no freaking clue). And the closer it gets to fall semester, the more excited I am because of how busy I will be. I need that again. I am at my best at my busiest. I need to feel needed and I need to be in my niche. I feel useless right now, like out of my element. It's not good.

The former owner of the company I work for now told me today that I look too young to be a senior in college?? I stopped getting that a long time ago, how is it that all of a sudden I look 12 again haha. I even wear better makeup now! And it's obviously not helping haha.

I need to go to Pita Pit more often. I went there for lunch yesterday and really cool/cute guy working there and I chatted it up about breaking bones (he broke one of his feet too). He told me to come back so I'll probably eat there tomorrow or Thursday (hopefully with Lauren?).

And, so far, I have made (in two days) what it would take me like a week to make at Black Angus. Lame haha

I go back to the doctor on Monday. Please pray for good news about my foot.

12

I am a little annoyed when people ask me about my status when I'm trying to be enigmatic. I know what it means, and for me to have to explain it would defeat the purpose of me writing it the way I have in the first place. Yes?

I really want to start writing songs again because I feel like a lot of the feelings I have would be better addressed through music. I have loved just playing chords lately, looking up songs that I have long forgotten about since their popularity peaked and their songs disappeared (remember Westlife, Sarah McLachlan, Green Day?).



This morning me and Breck stayed up till 5:30 playing video games after a couple hours at Old Chicago for his birthday. It was pleasant. I have tried to get rid of the negative experiences I had with alcohol and replace them with positive ones so I won't hate it so much. It's just always all around, and I got to a point where it made me uncomfortable. And once I turned 21 I was able to fix that. So things are nice and balanced, I'm glad for that.

In high school it was that party where I was the only one sober and everyone was drunk and I felt so alone. Like I was the only one not doing it. Well, I waited it out without any problems, and now that I am 21 I have good friends with whom I can engage in social activities where delicious drinks are involved without getting out of control. Not a lot of people understand where I am even coming from on this idea, like why do you drink if you don't get drunk, and other weird things like that. But the way I see it is... drinks are a part of the fun, not THE fun. The FUN is the people around you and the activities you engage in. Drink responsibly (and you can still be socially accepted, I promise).

My only qualm with alcohol is how expensive it is. I would think that could be enough to keep people from consuming it all the time but that's not the case.


Big ups to God for another cool day, good times with good friends, and a place to rest my head when it's time for sleep. We are luckier than we know.

11

Right now I am very thankful that God provides. Unfortunately sometimes I forget that when everybody else fails me, He has always got my back. I am definitely blessed. Things seemed so bleak yesterday, and just because of this one thing, I feel like a giant burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

So, good things:
+ Got offered the job with Lewis Aerospace
+ Got a check that was more than I expected from the BA
+ Phone call from Bre! (who will be here tomorrow, I am stoked!
+ Conference call (haha) with Breck to discuss his 21st birthday madness coming up tomorrow and Thursday (I am going to take him out for Wednesday becoming Thursday (midnight) so he can be 21 or whatever it is that we do?)
+ Played a TON of Tony Hawk P8 (and I mean a ton) in the last couple days and dominated

And at this point it's not even worth it mentioning the negative so I'll just leave that out.